When Brandy Engler, Ph. D., began her journey as a sex therapist, she anticipated helping women whose sexual interests had waned. To her surprise, men were the ones reaching out.
Engler discovered that men possess a complex internal world of emotions and experiences regarding sex. However, societal norms often discourage them from sharing these feelings openly, leading them to use sex as a form of emotional expression.
Engler’s book, “The Men on My Couch,” delves into various case studies from her practice, highlighting the dynamics of male emotions and sexual relationships. One notable example involves Alex, a research scientist, and Kasha, a Brazilian woman with whom he shared a passionate relationship initially. However, after moving in together, the spark faded. Kasha’s attraction to Alex’s stability diminished, and she began an affair with a Russian man she described as assertive.
When cohabitation begins, the transformation from lover to roommate often occurs, diminishing erotic appeal. As Engler notes, seeing your partner in less than glamorous states can strip away the mystery, leading to what she calls the “sexual intimacy paradox.” The emotional connection strengthens, but sexual desire can diminish.
To rekindle passion, Engler suggests maintaining a sexual perspective of your partner. While it may seem contrary to what women desire, they often want to be seen with an “I-can’t-take-my-hands-off-you” intensity.
Try to infuse everyday moments with a touch of allure. Engler advises turning routine activities into opportunities for flirtation or erotic interactions, reminiscent of the early days of your relationship.
Don’t Expect to Do It Every Day
Over-initiating sex can lead to monotonous, obligatory encounters. Allowing space for desire to build can result in more passionate experiences with a partner who is eager and engaged.
Engler advises releasing the notion that a truly in-love couple must engage in daily sexual activity. It’s about the quality of the experience, not the frequency.
If it seems like she’s not interested, communicate openly. Express that it feels like you’re just going through the motions and ask what would truly excite her. This approach not only provides relief but also encourages her to take responsibility for her desires, allowing her to guide the nature of your intimate moments.