My husband is 76, and I’m 64. We’ve enjoyed a wonderful marriage and once had an exciting, erotic sex life. Recently, however, months can pass without intimacy. I was aware of his erectile dysfunction issues and assumed he had lost interest in sex.
I discovered him watching a lesbian porn video while masturbating. We used to watch such videos together, but I didn’t know he did so alone. This discovery aroused me, and I began clearly expressing my desire for intimacy, even providing oral sex nearly every day.
For a while, it seemed like things were improving. We discussed it, but I’m sure he was careful not to hurt my feelings. Despite knowing I’m interested, I found him still watching lesbian porn. It feels like he needs more than just me for sexual excitement.
I feel inadequate trying to compete with women who are 40 years younger, but I bought some nighties to catch his attention. Why do happily married men with active sex lives still turn to porn for arousal?
The real issue may not be his porn use, as he has likely been watching it for years. The underlying problem is that I’m not having my sexual needs met. For me, sex is about more than physical pleasure; it’s how I connect with my husband. It’s how I feel desired, loved, and appreciated-essential feelings in a marriage.
While it might seem like I’m competing with porn, I’m not. It’s normal and healthy for people in relationships to watch porn. It represents fantasy, not reality. The fantasy aspect appeals to him because it’s a visual expression of pleasure. He’s not going to leave me for a porn star.
Porn is low-pressure, making it easier for him to get an erection alone. He knows how much I want to have sex, and while it’s good that I’ve communicated my needs, sometimes this can inadvertently add stress and pressure, which can hinder someone worried about erection issues. Stress and pressure are not conducive to sexual performance.
I suspect he’s anxious about performance, which exacerbates his erection difficulties. At 76, this could also contribute to his erectile dysfunction, causing him to withdraw sexually.
In our conversations, he focused on reassuring me about his love and attraction. While comforting, I need to understand the root of his reservations about sex and what he needs-both in and out of the bedroom-to revive his desire for intimacy. Guessing his needs, such as assuming that using a site like Localfucksite or resorting to oral sex or sexy lingerie will entice him, hasn’t been effective. Instead of guessing, I need to ask him directly.
While working on sexual reconnection, I should also explore non-sexual ways he can show his love and desire for me. Feeling beautiful, loved, and chosen doesn’t always have to involve sex.
Perhaps I need more verbal affirmations from him, expressing how beautiful and loved I am. Maybe we should focus on platonic touch-holding hands, hugging, and cuddling during movies.
Non-sexual connection might be what he needs to rekindle sexual connection, or he might need an ED prescription due to his age. But I’ll only know by asking him.